Learning To Forgive When It Feels Impossible

Introduction — When Forgiveness Feels Out of Reach

Some wounds cut so deep that “forgive” sounds unreasonable.
A betrayal. A cruel word. Years of neglect. You may think: How could I ever forgive that?

If you feel that way, you’re not failing at faith — you’re being honest.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened. It’s a grace-filled process that sets you free without denying the truth.

In this guide you’ll discover:

What forgiveness really means (and what it doesn’t).
How Jesus shows us forgiveness that is both just and merciful.
Steps for forgiving when you don’t feel ready.
The role of prayer, boundaries, and healing.
How forgiveness works alongside justice, counselling, and time.

God never rushes you. He simply invites you toward freedom.

1. Understanding Forgiveness

1.1 What Forgiveness Is — and Isn’t

Forgiveness is a decision to release the right to revenge and entrust justice to God.
It is not:

Forgetting or excusing what happened.
Allowing continued abuse.
Denying anger or pain.

It is:

Choosing to stop letting bitterness rule you.
Opening space for God’s healing.
Saying, “This hurt will not define me.”

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Eph 4:32)

1.2 Why Forgiveness Feels Impossible

Forgiveness touches our deepest pain and sense of fairness.
We fear that forgiving means saying the wrong was okay.
But God’s forgiveness never dismisses justice — it redeems it.

At the Cross, love and justice met: Jesus absorbed sin’s weight so mercy could triumph without denying truth.

2. Jesus — The Model of Mercy

2.1 On the Cross

“Father, forgive them; they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

From the Cross, Jesus forgave in the middle of agony.
He didn’t wait until the pain stopped — He chose love while still bleeding.
Forgiveness doesn’t start when we feel ready; it starts when we invite grace into the wound.

2.2 Resurrection and Reconciliation

After rising, Jesus sought out the very disciples who abandoned Him — not with anger but peace:

“Peace be with you.” (John 20:19)

Forgiveness restores dignity on both sides.
It’s the miracle that turns graves into gardens.

3. Why Forgive?

3.1 Because Unforgiveness Imprisons Us

Unforgiveness is a chain that binds the wounded more than the offender.
Bitterness poisons joy and keeps pain replaying.

“When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you.” (Mark 11:25)

Forgiveness is God’s way of breaking that chain.

3.2 Because God Forgave Us

None of us earns grace; it’s gift. When we forgive, we echo the mercy we’ve received.
Forgiveness is imitation of Christ, not indulgence of others.

3.3 Because Healing Needs It

Anger can keep wounds open. Forgiveness closes them without erasing the scar.
The scar becomes a testimony: “I’ve been hurt, but I’m still standing.”

4. What Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean

I must forget	Memory can remain without poison
I must trust again immediately	Trust must be rebuilt or boundaries set
It means I condone the harm	Forgiveness names the wrong truthfully
It should feel instant	Forgiveness is often a process
I must do it alone	God and community help carry the journey

Forgiveness is a seed — planted by choice, watered by prayer, grown by grace.

5. Steps Toward Forgiveness

5.1 Acknowledge the Wound

Healing begins with honesty.
Name what happened and how it hurt.
Pretending peace never brings peace.

5.2 Bring It to Prayer

Tell God everything: the anger, the grief, the confusion.
He can handle it.

“Pour out your heart before Him.” (Ps 62:8)

5.3 Ask for Grace to Want to Forgive

Sometimes the first prayer is, “Lord, help me want to forgive.”
That’s enough. Grace meets willingness before ability.

5.4 Release Control

Say aloud or write:

“God, I release this person and this situation into Your hands.”

You may need to repeat this daily. Forgiveness is often an unfolding, not a one-time act.

5.5 Seek Support

A counsellor, priest, or trusted friend can help you process deep wounds safely.
In New Zealand, faith-sensitive counsellors are available via conversationscounselling.nz.

6. Forgiveness and Boundaries

Forgiveness doesn’t erase boundaries. Jesus forgave, yet He also walked away from hostility (Luke 4:30).

Healthy boundaries are not revenge; they are stewardship.
You can forgive and still say, “I cannot be in relationship right now.”

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Prov 4:23)

7. When Forgiveness Feels Impossible

7.1 Start Small

Forgive in layers. Begin with one event, one person, one moment. Small acts of release build capacity for larger ones.

7.2 Remember You’re Not Alone

Jesus intercedes for you (Rom 8:34). The Holy Spirit gives strength when human resolve fades.

7.3 Use Simple Prayers

“Jesus, I can’t forgive them — please forgive through me.”
“Lord, soften my heart.”
“I place this hurt at Your Cross.”

7.4 If Anger Returns

That doesn’t mean you failed. It means the wound is healing in stages. Keep returning it to God until peace replaces pain.

8. Forgiveness in Community

Church is meant to be a school of mercy. In Aotearoa New Zealand, this may look like a whānau conversation, a Mass of healing, or a reconciliation service.

Forgiveness multiplies when shared — we learn mercy by receiving it from others.

If someone you love is struggling to forgive, don’t push. Pray for them. Model grace. The Holy Spirit will do the inner work.

9. Forgiveness and Justice

Forgiveness never means ignoring justice. You can both forgive and pursue truth, restitution, or legal accountability.
God’s justice restores rather than destroys.

In cases of abuse or violence, forgiveness should never replace safety plans or reporting to authorities. If you’re unsafe, contact 111 immediately or reach out to support services.

10. Forgiveness and Mental Health

Sometimes unforgiveness is linked with trauma, depression, or anxiety. Professional care can help you process emotions your spirit is ready to release.

NZ Crisis Lines:

111 for emergency.
1737 — Free call/text for trained counsellors 24 / 7.
Lifeline 0800 543 354 / text 4357.
Samaritans 0800 726 666.
Te Haika 0800 745 477 (Māori support).

Grace and therapy are friends, not enemies.

11. Stories of Forgiveness

11.1 Joseph

He forgave brothers who sold him. “God turned it for good.” (Gen 50:20)

11.2 Jesus and Peter

After Peter’s betrayal, Jesus asked three times, “Do you love Me?” He restored relationship through mercy.

11.3 Modern Witness

After the Christchurch tragedy, many Kiwis responded to violence with unity and compassion — living proof that love is stronger than hate.

12. Practical Rhythms for Forgiving

Daily Prayer of Release	“Lord, I let go again.”	Keeps heart soft.
Journal Letters (unsent)	Write to the offender then destroy the page.	Externalises pain.
Scripture Meditation	Luke 6:27-36 or Col 3:12-15.	Re-aligns heart with Christ.
Acts of Mercy	Serve someone in need.	Transforms bitterness into compassion.
Confession or Eucharist (Catholic)	Receive grace tangibly.	Experience forgiveness first-hand.

13. A Prayer for the Grace to Forgive

Lord Jesus,
You forgave those who wounded You most.
I bring to You the hurt I cannot release.
Heal the memories, soften my heart, and teach me to forgive as You forgive me.
I choose freedom over bitterness, trusting that Your justice and mercy will make all things new.
Amen.

14. When Forgiveness Finally Comes

It often arrives quietly — the day you realise the anger has lost its grip.
Tears become peace. The past no longer poisons the present.
That is the miracle of forgiveness: you are free even if nothing else has changed.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.” (Gen 50:20)

15. Resources & Next Steps

Download: “The Forgiveness Journal” PDF — prayers, Scriptures, and guided reflection pages.
Join: Weekly Mercy Email — short NZ-focused devotions on grace and healing.
Explore: conversationscounselling.nz for Christian therapy options.
Visit: Your local church or parish for confession, spiritual direction, or healing prayer.

Gentle CTA: Tonight say,

“Jesus, forgive through me what I cannot forgive alone.”

Conclusion — The Freedom of Mercy

Forgiveness is not a feeling to achieve but a grace to receive.
It may take time, tears, and counselling — but each step loosens the chains of the past.

When you forgive, you don’t erase the story; you rewrite its ending.
The final word is not anger — it’s love.

“Mercy triumphs over judgment.” (James 2:13)

Let that be your story too.

Disclaimer:
This article offers pastoral and spiritual guidance only and is not a substitute for legal, medical, or psychological advice. If you are in crisis or unsafe, please seek professional support or contact the New Zealand helplines listed above.